“Squatch” Is Technologically Challenged!


Breaking story out of Reno Nevada. (story written by Fe02, of the G.P.I. news service)
Squatch, also known as RGCORROS, who just happens to be the author of this blog, was found today to be technologically challenged, when he suddenly found he had 1796 e-mails in his Gmail account.
The incident occurred shortly after noon today, following the emptying of his primary account. “The overloaded mailbox, a Google construct, should have exploded from the lack of notice”, one of the technicians stated. Right on Rusty, an investigator for the extragalactic firm SQUATCHCO, located on the inner hard drive just outside Reno told reporters “the danger was real. Had the account reached max load, terabytes of digital area would have been decimated”.
According to local scientists, the explosive outgassing of the digital bomb would have sped away spherically, at the speed of light. Professor Jameson Reynolds Numerally, a renown digiphysiologist at U.N.S.S. spoke to the media at a press conference. He explained what the consequences would have been, if Squatch had continued to be a technomoron.
According to the science, E=MC sq. That M going at the speed of C is multiplied by itself, and there would be no deflection. All near digital space in four dimensions would simultaneously expand outwardly, pushing the cloud toward the constellation Magellan.
In a private interview with this intrepid reporter Squatch recounted what had happened and solemnly swore to “try harder to get it all figured out”. Squatch said he managed to clear all of the emails in his primary account, and when he couldn’t get to use his twitter account to the fullest, he knew he had a problem. “It was the damn twitter!” he grumped. Apparently he had to give an email conformation, and couldn’t find an email from them.
“I kept sending them my junk, and they kept saying your conformation email is in your box”. It turned out, there were two other buttons in the inbox. Anyone who ever used email knows how to use their inbox, except, Squatch it seems. The other two buttons were labeled, social, and promotions. Squatch denied being an antitechnogeek diligently, and tried to defend himself by claiming he had been ” living in the backwoods for nigh over 25 years, powerless and totally untechnolized “.
“I was just amazed when I pushed that word social, and there it was, you know…the damn twitter email I had been trying to get for four frigging hours” According to the self-proclaimed “almost know what to do” technomoron, Squatch said it was even more difficult than any webbie could ever imagine. ” There was the stupid email, so I could have taken care of the one stupid thing, and I noticed the social place was packed! I could feel the pressure mounting while I sat gaping at the social bin. I timidly touched the promotion button, and it just slammed open, jarring me physically! There ain’t words for the danger I was facing. There was stuff in there from 2011″.
According to Squatch he ” hurriedly did his tweet crap”. He commented on the terrible waves of energy he felt rumbling through him, and said ” all I could do was mark them all as read, check the box to delete the second 50 emails, and do that again, and again”. He recounted how after about ten times of doing the delete thing, the pressure started to diminish some. He said after about 40 times doing the delete 50 more, the mailbox spoke. “would you like to do a bulk delete?”.
“That’s what really tore me up” he ranted. He growled about how the *&@%?+= computer could have said something in the first place. He said he figured it wasn’t really his fault, it was the stupid computers fault. “When I think I had enough and am going to blow, I don’t wait for some nontechy type to push my right buttons”.
The City, County, and the State are currently in debate on the problems with these types of incidents. Antimoron groups are shouting in the streets, “nontechs back to the boondocks”, and ” remove retechtards now!”. A plan to reeducate retechtards has been put in place, to prevent other such incidents in the future.
” If laws aren’t enacted soon, it might mean the end of life as we know it “, one of the scientists bemoaned. “Already, we’ve found evidence this kind of drama, has happened in the past, and may well continue into the future”. No charges have been pressed on Squatch at the time of this article, but the repercussions of what has happened will certainly inspire our leaders to enact more stringent measures, to prevent future dumbassary.
Professor Jameson Reynolds Numerally commented on the subject, telling me about the evidence found recently, regarding this very issue. ” It’s all in the ice”, stated the professor. “Records show this has happened in the past, or maybe the future, and might have been the primary cause of the extinction level event, that wiped out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago”. Although the evidence is inconclusive, many theoretical physicists back up those statements.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s