Don’t you wish we all could have the kind of love that Butch is speaking of? I ask for everyone to remember who we are, and to give of our love, and lives freely. Tomorrow never comes, and yesterday is only in our hearts and minds. I grieve for those lost to me, and I truly know they live on, as long as I can remember.
Tag Archives: death
Her Last Day with us
I was a tough he man kind of guy, but right now I am in tears…
Please give Butch love and kindness. His loss is our loss…..
Where The Heck Am I?
I opened my eyes because something didn’t seem right. I wasn’t cold, but I wasn’t warm either. There was nothing to see so I couldn’t figure out where I was. I know my eyes were open, but there was nothing to see at all. It wasn’t dark, there was some illumination, but it didn’t come from anywhere in particular. It was everywhere. I seemed to be floating, and my mind reeled at that. Floating on what? It wasn’t water as there was nothing fluid about it. It wasn’t air either. No wind or breezes of any sort. I breathed, but that may just be my imagination.
I turned over and the view was exactly as it was everywhere else. I wondered to myself if I might be dead, but balked at that thought as I was obviously not dead. At least in the sense, I thought I was conscious, and that must mean I still live. That’s what a philosopher might say, my brain reminded itself. If I am really here, where ever here was, and properly thinking, I couldn’t be dead. But, the things I thought I was experiencing, or lack of the same made me feel even more uncertain about my present situation.
No sensory perceptions except sight, and that is probably unreliable, I thought. Maybe I am a part of some experiment, my brain intoned. It was so quiet I could hear my own thoughts, loud and clear. I went through the motions of snapping my fingers to hear if there was sound. I thought I heard the dull click of the snap, but once again my brain said I might be imagining that as well. My brain was moving at light speed, seeking answers to the mystery I seemed to have awakened to. I couldn’t tell anything of my situation. Zero perceptions my brain rattled, to my consciousness.
I tried a multitude of touch, feel, hear exercises, and I still wasn’t sure. My mind kept reminding myself, I am biased. I know what things sound like, and how things feel. A person always hear themselves, so it would just be another exercise in futility for me to shout. My mind was nearly in a state of panic, and the more I dwelt on it, the more panic I felt.
Where the heck am I, I wondered? What’s happening to me? How long has this been going on? The questions wouldn’t quit, and my mind was screaming at me to figure it out. Any experiment I seemed to try was inconclusive. I am biased I reminded myself. With no stimulation and another observer to confirm my actions, I was just deluding myself. There was nothing I could do to ascertain what was going on. My panic was growing larger than the unreality I seemed to be facing.
I kept telling my brain to calm down. As a rational being I should be able to come to some consensus, regarding my present predicament. I closed my eyes and calmed myself, willing my mind to just shut up. I thought I could apply a touch of zen to bring my senses back to right, but that really wasn’t working. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter and willed myself to relax. I felt my heartbeat and counted off a hundred beats. That at least was working, I was starting to mellow out. I continued that exercise again and heard myself snore. Too relaxed obviously, so I opened my eyes and was blind. I rubbed them and still couldn’t see a thing. No light, not a single photon for my brain to capture.
I flipped over again, hoping to find more than sensory deprivation. The act of changing my position did something, I was falling! That was even more frightening than no input, as I could feel gravity taking me down, not gently, but with a great force. My body hit the bottom of the gravity well with a slam! I was laying there hurting from the abrupt stop, and I felt something else. The carpet! My carpet! Where ever the heck I had been, at least I was home now.